I cry a lot.

Well, if you know me at all,  you probably know that I cry a lot.  About almost everything.  Tears are my default when I'm sad, angry, frustrated, excited, laughing, "touched", etc.  So to you who know this about me, it probably comes as no shock that I cried in my Master Teacher's office. (She is basically the Principal, just a different title and slightly different job description.)  There are kind of some hard things going on in my personal life, which make things hard at the most inconvenient times, and having 16 sets of parents to deal with just adds to the problem. Don't get me wrong, I love my job most days; but most days this week, I felt utterly defeated and hopeless, to be quite frank. So here's what I have learned:
     1.  I NEED JESUS to speak identity and purpose over every single day of my life.
     2.  Teaching is [possibly the only] one profession where it is encouraged to cry in your boss's office.
     3.  Parents HATE new, first-year teachers.... or maybe just teachers in general... I'll get back to you on that in a few years.... assuming I don't botch this one.
    4.  I'm still learning how to be a grown-up, let alone a grown-up who is responsible for 16 little ones.
    5.  I have yet to "find" my "teacher voice".
    6.  Being small in stature really does make a difference in the respect people give you automatically--- and laws of society and government and the ghetto leave disrespected, condemned, small people up a creek without a paddle.
    7.  There is a logical reason most teachers are married... of course, I can't be 100% sure that being married would make dealing with all of these emotions and hostility from parents any easier... but part of me thinks having someone who always believed in me and told me every now and then and hugged me when I cried and listened to my frustrations would help.
    8.  Not being married, never teaching as "teacher-of-record" before, paying my bills by myself only a few weeks ago for the FIRST time has left me pretty immature--- which to parents and others, really doesn't matter.
    9.  My students really do learn better all facing one direction in rows of 2 or 3 desks.
    10.  The tighter I get on my rules and procedures, the more respect my students have for them--- and the more fun we can have later.

Now, do I mean any of this to be a pity-party, or a woe-is-me speech? Absolutely not. I'm just writing down the realities of how I feel as a first year teacher.  Sometimes I get discouraged and feel like I'm ruining 16 lives and careers along the way. But then, at the end of the day, the students go home.... I grade papers, record grades, prepare activities, reevaluate my own teaching, make necessary changes, and analyze how I can improve and make little baby steps of change every day.  And each morning, the students all return, with their homework in hand, completed and done well, ready to learn again.... and then I realize, all the struggles of each day are worth it.  Whether anyone else can see it or not, I see it.

A few goals for this next week:
   1. Be more assertive and authoritative--- not dictatorial, but respect-worthy.... in some cultures, respect is not an inalienable right. :-)
   2.  Find MY "teacher voice".
   3. Teach each day differently than any other day, because each day IS different and deserves to be treated as such.
   4.  Ask more questions and ask for help... otherwise, lay down my pride/ lift my self-esteem/lower self-condemnation.


I guess 4 goals is enough for 5 days. :-)

Pray. for. me. please.




Well, I suppose that's all I have in my heart to pour out publicly today.